More...

Today I feel pretty good. Last week I had to kick narcotics pretyy much cold turkey. Fentanyl was prescribed by my Doc to try to alleviate the pain I live in. In Sept. I had helped Dawn with 2 roadshows and, although I've done this before, this time it took an enormous toll on my body. The pain was untenable, nothing brought me pleasure, the overwhelming fact of my life was that it sucked. Due to pain. Every other aspect of it was good to great. I consulted with a Doctor at one of the 2 shows I helped at, this being the Society for the Advancement of Healthy sexuality national conference, and she suggested using Fentanyl patch to alleviate my condition. She's a noted pain doctor with several books to her credit. When I got home I saw my Doc, who runs the Johns Hopkins Pain Clinic and is no slouch in the world of notability himself. We agreed to try the Fentanyl. After increasing my dosage several times I reached a point where the pain was alleviated to a large factor but all the nasty affects of narcotics was present. Dawn felt that I wasn't there anymore. I concurred...

On Healing from emotional trauma and how unlikely wholenesss will ever be acheived.

It must be this time of year...I see that I actually opened up this blog on Dec. 17 2006...That's almost exactly 2 years ago. I should start by saying that I have a good life, a very good life. I'm with Dawn, a woman that I really love and adore, she's my best friend and true life partner. As we say: She gets me!. My step daughter, Emily is the greatest. Even at 14 years old she is a decent, respectful person that is becoming the kind of human being that we all should be, but she's not perfect. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I still feel that way in the next couple years. My daughter Brianna is likewise a good and decent human that has been working very hard at making her life circumstances better than they were. She's 25 years. My son Cameron is ...he's Cameron. Brianna just called to tell me she didn't think I was presenting Cameron fairly. She's right, all the great things that she says in her comment on this post are true and I should have named at least a few of them. Cameron is also a good and decent human being. He has many wonderful and admirable qualities.He's kind, he loves animals and treats them with love, he's brilliant,I am always knocked over by how bright my son is,he's hilarious, when he gets on a roll he can be incredibly funny,he's fast,he's artistic and makes wonderful things, he's a lot of other things that I haven't named. That's pretty much what all his family says about him. I love him forever and ever. I feel that I failed him terribly when he was a child and right on into adulthood...The number of ways that I let him down are vast in my eyes. He says "Fuck it! It's all good..." I can't say that myself. My only defense is the same as every other parent..."I did the best I could..." Not much of an excuse.

I am in awe of Dawn as a parent. No child has ever been as adored and cherished and given every opportunity to succeed as Emily has, and it shows. I didn't have a natural ability to be responsible for another human being in my life...no excuse...I'm just telling the truth of the matter...I was a drug addicted, drunk with a flexible moral high ground and no belief that I had any actual value. Not the best material for parenting.

My intention with this blog is to try to get beyond a broken place in my life which hasn't healed in close to 10 years. If you google my name and read the 1st couple of articles that come up you'll have an idea of what the break looked like as it happened but none of the before and none of the aftermath. The long reach...It's Christmas every year that brings this up for me. It's entirely unfair to Dawn and Emily and everyone else in my life that I should let this time of year that they love and look forward to so much be over shadowed by my pain & inability to heal all the way...I think the only way to get there is to finally tell the whole story as I remember it in a contiguous narrative...